Today I am having to physically force myself to get out of bed, but not before I write this post. 

Yesterday was an odd day, but first I have to go back about a month. 

I met someone, at work and he asked me out for drinks one night and I said yes of course. he seemed like a great guy and I thought we would get along well (spoiler alert. drinks went great and we’ve been seeing each other from then on) we got talking over facebook and I had to question his profile picture. A sonogram of clearly what was his soon to be child. He told me of how it was his ex who was pregnant but he wasn’t sure if the baby was his or not because she cheated on him several times before they found out etc etc. 
Well at the end of April she had the baby, but she wouldn’t let him see her until he had a DNA to prove the baby was his … now this is where I sound like a complete and utter bitch and I hate myself for thinking this way. There was a part of me that was happy for him but then there was this part of me that thought just maybe it would be better if the baby wasn’t his you know? She has been a complete and utter bitch with him from day one and I guess I hoped that if it wasn’t his child he would finally have a reason to cut ties with her and just get rid, but now she is always going to be there. She’s got a new boyfriend who is already playing baby daddy wouldn’t that have just been better? 

We had spoke the night before because we knew yesterday was results day, he said he loved me and wanted us to work through it, but he knew we wouldn’t be spending as much time together. I said it would be fine and that we would be able to get through it, but I knew it wouldn’t be fine. I’m 24, deep down is there a part of me that is jealous? I was in a relationship for over a year where we spoke about having kids and I still want that. all my friends around me are having babies and then there is me. I know everyone does things at there one pace and stuff but for me I thought I would either be engaged or be expecting by now. I mean seriously come on, we’ve been seeing each other for less than a month and stupid me has got overly attached already, but like they always say when you know, you know. With him, I knew. From the second we got talking, I was like yeah he could be the one. We have a lot in common, we get along really well. He is a bit younger than me but does age really matter anymore? He is mature, works hard and hell he even has his own job which for some may not seem like a big deal but at least I know my money is going on me and not having to pay his way too. We can just sit and talk for hours about anything, he’s affectionate and cares more about me than anyone ever has. 

Back to yesterday and he gets the results. It’s his. And instantly I couldn’t help but be a little bit pissed about it. I tried to hide it and be happy for him but I couldn’t, I had to say how I felt. the only problem being; I didn’t say how I felt not really. I just kind of skimmed over my feelings and said I didn’t know what was wrong. One of his friends asked me how I felt a couple of days before and if I wanted it to be his and when I said I was torn, his words said that was understandable but his disapproving face said otherwise. I guess that’s when it hit me about how I really felt and that I couldn’t tell him. You can’t turn around and tell the person you supposedly love that you don’t want them to be the father. 

I know he will be a great dad to his precious baby girl because he is so loving, caring and protective and I’ve seen that first hand with me and we’ve only known each other a month. He has already been there for me when I’ve been down, just cuddled me when I needed it and even stood up for me when my ex was being an arse and messaging him. He will be a great father but can I really be there for him when I’m just the jealous girl who is coming in second? 

I’ve barely slept because every little thing has been running through my mind and i know its silly, but I know I can’t say how I truly feel to him or I’ll break his heart. I haven’t stopped crying since last night and right now I’m just a run down mess who needs a cuddle off of the one person she can’t really turn to. I hope soon I can tell him how I really feel and I don’t bottle it up but for now this is my source of venting. Now to get my ass out of bed and get on with my day. Which simultaneously is already ruined because I was supposed to be going to meet a friend in Beverly this morning, but anxiety has got the better of me once again. 

Battenburg </3