So I thought I was getting better, mentally anyway. Well today I have realised I’m not.

I’m being torn in two and I have no idea what to do.

I have my ex telling me how much he loves and how much of a mistake he made letting me go, yet he broke my heart and I don’t think I could ever forgive him for that. We ended in such a messy way after constant arguments, barely spending time with each other, our physical relationship being non existent and me just being constantly pushed away to the point I would get up in a morning, alone, go to work, come home and go to bed once again … alone. I was so lost and just spent most days upset about how shitty I was being made to feel in my relationship.

After us having many conversations since our split I guess I thought we had come to some sort of understanding. We stopped talking, thinking it was for the best after telling him I had met someone and was moving on.

He is doing everything he can to prove to me how much he still loves me and that he made a mistake, but how can I trust him to not hurt me again. He suddenly turned around and said he no longer loved me, how do I know he won’t do that again.

There is a part of me that appreciates all the effort he is putting in, but this is the effort that should have been there throughout our entire relationship not just when he has realised that he has done wrong. He knows exactly what I want in life and is promising me the world, and I want it so so bad but how do I know he won’t take it all away from me like he did the last time. I can’t go through all the pain again, if he suddenly changes his mind.

Then I have the guy I’ve just met who shows me so much love and affection, and I know it’s new but I never got this much love and affection in my last relationship even at the beginning.

Then yesterday morning I met his baby girl for the first time, and it broke me. Realising once again he has exactly what I want and I know I’m not going to get it from him any time soon. He is younger than me and this baby was a shock for him in the first place and he isn’t looking to repeat it any time soon.

How do you choose between two people who both ‘love’ you? One knowing everything you want and willing to give you it all but broke your heart into a million pieces, and one who knows everything but isn’t ready for the commitment.

Have I made a mistake? I honestly don’t know where my head is at at the minute and it’s driving me crazy.

Battenburg