So I thought I was getting better, mentally anyway. Well today I have realised I’m not.

I’m being torn in two and I have no idea what to do.

I have my ex telling me how much he loves and how much of a mistake he made letting me go, yet he broke my heart and I don’t think I could ever forgive him for that. We ended in such a messy way after constant arguments, barely spending time with each other, our physical relationship being non existent and me just being constantly pushed away to the point I would get up in a morning, alone, go to work, come home and go to bed once again … alone. I was so lost and just spent most days upset about how shitty I was being made to feel in my relationship.

After us having many conversations since our split I guess I thought we had come to some sort of understanding. We stopped talking, thinking it was for the best after telling him I had met someone and was moving on.

He is doing everything he can to prove to me how much he still loves me and that he made a mistake, but how can I trust him to not hurt me again. He suddenly turned around and said he no longer loved me, how do I know he won’t do that again.

There is a part of me that appreciates all the effort he is putting in, but this is the effort that should have been there throughout our entire relationship not just when he has realised that he has done wrong. He knows exactly what I want in life and is promising me the world, and I want it so so bad but how do I know he won’t take it all away from me like he did the last time. I can’t go through all the pain again, if he suddenly changes his mind.

Then I have the guy I’ve just met who shows me so much love and affection, and I know it’s new but I never got this much love and affection in my last relationship even at the beginning.

Then yesterday morning I met his baby girl for the first time, and it broke me. Realising once again he has exactly what I want and I know I’m not going to get it from him any time soon. He is younger than me and this baby was a shock for him in the first place and he isn’t looking to repeat it any time soon.

How do you choose between two people who both ‘love’ you? One knowing everything you want and willing to give you it all but broke your heart into a million pieces, and one who knows everything but isn’t ready for the commitment.

Have I made a mistake? I honestly don’t know where my head is at at the minute and it’s driving me crazy.

Battenburg

Today I woke up after about only an hours sleep and well I felt shocking. After the crazy events of yesterday and getting some rather big news, my brain would not switch off and it was driving me crazy. Every thought and question was whizzing around my mind and I had no idea which one to answer first or whether I wanted to answer any of them. 
I still was not sure how I felt on the whole ‘my boyfriend now has a baby’ situation and how it was going to affect us individually and a couple. 

I spent some time in town this morning on my own, did a little bit of shopping for the flat ready for some new people to move in with me this weekend. I also went a bought a milkshake, somewhere he took me on one of our very first ‘dates’ and just had time to sit and think about what I wanted. Time passed so quickly sitting there, thinking, I even wrote a post for my May, Myself & I series and I left with a clear head and feeling a lot happier about everything. 

Then when I got home I saw he had changed his profile picture, him holding his precious baby girl and at that moment my heart melted. You can’t even see his face in the picture but I knew there was a huge grin on his face and he was so unbelievably happy and that is all I want for him, to be happy. I want us to be happy, together. 

We went round to his ex’s mums tonight, she had brought him lots of baby things for him to keep at home as like a little starter kit and well it’s safe to say it made me broody as hell but it also made me super happy. She mentioned how she wanted me to meet the baby soon, I suddenly felt a lot of pressure. I just sat there in silence. We hadn’t spoke about me meeting her, I wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted, and I wasn’t about to start demanding that I meet her. When we got home I told him there was no pressure for me to meet her and it was all down to him, I wanted him to do things at his own pace. All he did was smile at me and I knew he was happy for me to meet her and for me to be a part of her life and right now I couldn’t be happier. 

Yesterday was hard for me, but today I realised that this beautiful little girl that has only been in this world for 3 short weeks and indefinitely part of his life for a day is what we both need. So naturally me being me, I’ve decided to already spoil her rotten and buy her a few gifts from the Disney Store, oh and I’ve bought him a coffee mug for those long nights ahead of him. 

Battenburg ❤

Today I am having to physically force myself to get out of bed, but not before I write this post. 

Yesterday was an odd day, but first I have to go back about a month. 

I met someone, at work and he asked me out for drinks one night and I said yes of course. he seemed like a great guy and I thought we would get along well (spoiler alert. drinks went great and we’ve been seeing each other from then on) we got talking over facebook and I had to question his profile picture. A sonogram of clearly what was his soon to be child. He told me of how it was his ex who was pregnant but he wasn’t sure if the baby was his or not because she cheated on him several times before they found out etc etc. 
Well at the end of April she had the baby, but she wouldn’t let him see her until he had a DNA to prove the baby was his … now this is where I sound like a complete and utter bitch and I hate myself for thinking this way. There was a part of me that was happy for him but then there was this part of me that thought just maybe it would be better if the baby wasn’t his you know? She has been a complete and utter bitch with him from day one and I guess I hoped that if it wasn’t his child he would finally have a reason to cut ties with her and just get rid, but now she is always going to be there. She’s got a new boyfriend who is already playing baby daddy wouldn’t that have just been better? 

We had spoke the night before because we knew yesterday was results day, he said he loved me and wanted us to work through it, but he knew we wouldn’t be spending as much time together. I said it would be fine and that we would be able to get through it, but I knew it wouldn’t be fine. I’m 24, deep down is there a part of me that is jealous? I was in a relationship for over a year where we spoke about having kids and I still want that. all my friends around me are having babies and then there is me. I know everyone does things at there one pace and stuff but for me I thought I would either be engaged or be expecting by now. I mean seriously come on, we’ve been seeing each other for less than a month and stupid me has got overly attached already, but like they always say when you know, you know. With him, I knew. From the second we got talking, I was like yeah he could be the one. We have a lot in common, we get along really well. He is a bit younger than me but does age really matter anymore? He is mature, works hard and hell he even has his own job which for some may not seem like a big deal but at least I know my money is going on me and not having to pay his way too. We can just sit and talk for hours about anything, he’s affectionate and cares more about me than anyone ever has. 

Back to yesterday and he gets the results. It’s his. And instantly I couldn’t help but be a little bit pissed about it. I tried to hide it and be happy for him but I couldn’t, I had to say how I felt. the only problem being; I didn’t say how I felt not really. I just kind of skimmed over my feelings and said I didn’t know what was wrong. One of his friends asked me how I felt a couple of days before and if I wanted it to be his and when I said I was torn, his words said that was understandable but his disapproving face said otherwise. I guess that’s when it hit me about how I really felt and that I couldn’t tell him. You can’t turn around and tell the person you supposedly love that you don’t want them to be the father. 

I know he will be a great dad to his precious baby girl because he is so loving, caring and protective and I’ve seen that first hand with me and we’ve only known each other a month. He has already been there for me when I’ve been down, just cuddled me when I needed it and even stood up for me when my ex was being an arse and messaging him. He will be a great father but can I really be there for him when I’m just the jealous girl who is coming in second? 

I’ve barely slept because every little thing has been running through my mind and i know its silly, but I know I can’t say how I truly feel to him or I’ll break his heart. I haven’t stopped crying since last night and right now I’m just a run down mess who needs a cuddle off of the one person she can’t really turn to. I hope soon I can tell him how I really feel and I don’t bottle it up but for now this is my source of venting. Now to get my ass out of bed and get on with my day. Which simultaneously is already ruined because I was supposed to be going to meet a friend in Beverly this morning, but anxiety has got the better of me once again. 

Battenburg </3

So here we go … I said I would do this years ago and well I have finally got round to it. After a broken heart and a bit of motivation, it’s time for me to start over.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I won’t bore you too much though because throughout my posts you will get to know a lot more, probably a lot more than you bargained for too.

So here we go, here’s all the boring bits … I’m 24, currently living in Skegness and have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Is that enough? I have no idea what to really put here because I feel like once I start I won’t stop.